Saturday, February 17, 2007
Hmmm. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.
You know how sometimes we say emotions gets the better of us. Yet how we shouldn’t let feelings dictate our actions? I guess I’ve been trying to convince myself I should be feeling this way because its only right but I haven’t been realistic about my true feelings to certain issues. And then again, I think about it; what am I suppose to do with these feelings? I cant possibly embrace them nor can I ignore the incessant reminders my heart sends out to my brain. These persisting thoughts do disturb me. Yet I’m too afraid to be truthful to myself because I don’t want to be swayed by the emotions or by the pressure that is almost too suffocating. I just don’t have an answer for everything.
Perhaps the way I create a barrier to protect myself from being hurt cause people to think I’m nonchalant and okay with anything that goes. It may seem that I am not bothered but the fact is, at this point of time, I am lost at what to do. At 18, sometimes I just want to hide from the problem and shrink in cowardice because I can’t handle it maturely. Then again, people will tell me to be strong. My reply will be the same.
It’s often difficult to translate how you feel into words sometimes and I wonder to myself. Do I really feel this way like I say? Can I continue feeling the way I say I am? Can I change the way I feel? Am I in control? That’s a question to ponder.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone sees a problem like I do. Or do people see a problem I don’t see that is in me. Blindspots. Maybe I just want to be too blinded to see the blind subtle things. Or perhaps I realise my ignorance and choose to be blinded from it.
Well, life in j2 isn’t as easy to go through as you think. It’s taking a toll on everyone and I know my class hasn’t exactly been doing well. Or rather, we hear that the teachers all think we are disinterested in learning and doing well. All the prep talk and concern they show us; I understand. But do they understand us? And then again, we don’t tell them how we really feel. I guess it takes two to clap your hands just like how it takes two to play a doubles game, and 2 to play chess, 2 to even start a conversation. Whatever it is, I think term 1 has been very demoralising and discouraging thus far. I’m not doing well in all my subjects and its makes me feel that I don’t think I can make it at all. Maybe I should have retained in j1 and get it right all over again. Every subject is overwhelming and daunting to take. It’s so hard to get motivated and go to school. If not for the friends, I wonder if I can make it on my own. It’s not like I don’t try but I feel its too disappointing to carry on. But no worries yea, I will get over it soon. I hope.
and I get upset when my parents interferes into my life. which happens to be all the time. but I know they are concerned, and I still love them. just the wrong methods.
by the way, its chinese new year season! so, GONG XI FA CAI. XIN NIAN KUAI LE. SHENG TI JIAN KAN. SHOU BI NAN SHAN. ZAO SHENG GUI ZI. XUE YE JING BU everyone! hahahaha. im the idioms pro. lol.
by the way did i mention that my parents are learning dancing at the country club now? so cute right. ahahahaha.
its good that the chinese new year is here. its more time to catch up with rest and to reflect. I'm getting so worn out when its only the beginning of the A's trauma. hahaha. kay, im gonna collect angbao from the bookshop uncle and auntie, the malay store auntie, maybe ash who is happily married, or michelle who is with one-that-cannot-be-named( HAHAA JUST KIDDING), or eve and her blue moon, ashikin with her lala and mimi with her loverboy. kay, im just kidding there! happy vday to them and happy belated friendship day to all singletons out there. hahaha. :)
today's prissy's bday. HAPPY 18 BIRTHDAY my illitating bestfriend!! absolutely miss her. :DD
chen chen painted at 7:29 PM
