Hmmm. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.
You know how sometimes we say emotions gets the better of us. Yet how we shouldn’t let feelings dictate our actions? I guess I’ve been trying to convince myself I should be feeling this way because its only right but I haven’t been realistic about my true feelings to certain issues. And then again, I think about it; what am I suppose to do with these feelings? I cant possibly embrace them nor can I ignore the incessant reminders my heart sends out to my brain. These persisting thoughts do disturb me. Yet I’m too afraid to be truthful to myself because I don’t want to be swayed by the emotions or by the pressure that is almost too suffocating. I just don’t have an answer for everything.
Perhaps the way I create a barrier to protect myself from being hurt cause people to think I’m nonchalant and okay with anything that goes. It may seem that I am not bothered but the fact is, at this point of time, I am lost at what to do. At 18, sometimes I just want to hide from the problem and shrink in cowardice because I can’t handle it maturely. Then again, people will tell me to be strong. My reply will be the same.
It’s often difficult to translate how you feel into words sometimes and I wonder to myself. Do I really feel this way like I say? Can I continue feeling the way I say I am? Can I change the way I feel? Am I in control? That’s a question to ponder.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone sees a problem like I do. Or do people see a problem I don’t see that is in me. Blindspots. Maybe I just want to be too blinded to see the blind subtle things. Or perhaps I realise my ignorance and choose to be blinded from it.
Well, life in j2 isn’t as easy to go through as you think. It’s taking a toll on everyone and I know my class hasn’t exactly been doing well. Or rather, we hear that the teachers all think we are disinterested in learning and doing well. All the prep talk and concern they show us; I understand. But do they understand us? And then again, we don’t tell them how we really feel. I guess it takes two to clap your hands just like how it takes two to play a doubles game, and 2 to play chess, 2 to even start a conversation. Whatever it is, I think term 1 has been very demoralising and discouraging thus far. I’m not doing well in all my subjects and its makes me feel that I don’t think I can make it at all. Maybe I should have retained in j1 and get it right all over again. Every subject is overwhelming and daunting to take. It’s so hard to get motivated and go to school. If not for the friends, I wonder if I can make it on my own. It’s not like I don’t try but I feel its too disappointing to carry on. But no worries yea, I will get over it soon. I hope.
and I get upset when my parents interferes into my life. which happens to be all the time. but I know they are concerned, and I still love them. just the wrong methods.
by the way, its chinese new year season! so, GONG XI FA CAI. XIN NIAN KUAI LE. SHENG TI JIAN KAN. SHOU BI NAN SHAN. ZAO SHENG GUI ZI. XUE YE JING BU everyone! hahahaha. im the idioms pro. lol.
by the way did i mention that my parents are learning dancing at the country club now? so cute right. ahahahaha.
its good that the chinese new year is here. its more time to catch up with rest and to reflect. I'm getting so worn out when its only the beginning of the A's trauma. hahaha. kay, im gonna collect angbao from the bookshop uncle and auntie, the malay store auntie, maybe ash who is happily married, or michelle who is with one-that-cannot-be-named( HAHAA JUST KIDDING), or eve and her blue moon, ashikin with her lala and mimi with her loverboy. kay, im just kidding there! happy vday to them and happy belated friendship day to all singletons out there. hahaha. :)
today's prissy's bday. HAPPY 18 BIRTHDAY my illitating bestfriend!! absolutely miss her. :DD
chen chen painted at 7:29 PM
happy belated 18 bday to myself. hahaha. :)
theres just so many people i wanna thank for making it such a unforgettable bday. really really.
last sat ( 3rd feb) cg NEE1 surprised me with a cake! okay haha, lovely girls. and debbie gave me such huge huge huge balloon to carry around. haahahaha, only debbie will do this kind of thing. what 24 inch what 36 inch. hahaha.
thats debbie. hehehehe.
can you see me? the one in green. the big balloon is hidden partially by me.
this is only for starters. after that the food that came, there were no space left on the table.
then at night the coreteam ( debbie chantel shawn kaiwen alvin) went chomps! ate till you explode and die okay. hahaha! then anw we went to chill out at coffeebean. debbie says my present is still on its way to singapore. i dunno what isit man.... stop keeping me in suspense!! ahhhh. :D
this is only for starters. after that the food that came, there were no space left on the table.
hahahaa, then on sunday (4th feb) went to the kids service again and then had clm with pastor david chen. aww man, he is truly an inspiration and examplary christian. then ate some simple bday dinner with my family. okay love my family. :)
then along came monday (5th feb) i thought it would be a boring normal day since i have all the celebrations already. lo and behold. i was resting on the bed watching tv when at 9 plus, brenda came in and said " your friends are downstairs" , and i replied sleepily " huh? " then she said " they come to surprise you! " then i got shock. when i went out i realised the super sweet girls in tidm actually laid out candles in a heartshape and had a small cute cake in the middle. omg, im so touched by their actions. they even bought fireworks thingy to play with. hahaha. and a present hahahaha. :D really appreciate you all. michelle ashikin eve peiqi syamimi jasimah. thank you all so much. <333>
and 6th of feb! -pops party poppers-
17 came, and went.
18 is here and the ball continues to roll. im getting old!!! quick eve, we should go do some stuff that 18 year olds do!!! hahahaha. as usual, it would be the spastic stuff. LOL.
hahaha, at last but not least, those who wished me happy bday thru phone or personally :) no particular order kay. heh.
shenn katarina thaddeus guihao huiying earnest yanyu valerie sunlu michelle janson chantel aiyi huiyun christine yingxiu samneo sharon yuqian charlene layling melvin junhao kaiwen melissa polly eve yilin lirong rohan limin shawn debbie priscilla alvin freedy ashikin peiqi jalea mimi jasimah weekeong desmond jiamin ( mostly sms)
dyung zixin canice ( who called me and shouted happy bday. HAHA)
wah, i have quite good memory. hahahaha, no la. checked my phone. thanks everyone though :)
and also special thanks to yilin and lirong for the present. weekeong for the huge lollipop. tidm for the present and the surprise in the locker ( they tricked my into opening my locker and placed many hearts for me. im really touchedddd. hahahaha) . the coreteam who says my present is still on its way to singapore. prissy who says she has my present already. lol!!!
and to those i have left out, im very sorry, but i really appreciate it! and there are some who smsed me but i dont have the number cos i lost the phone, so i dunno how to thank you. but nonetheless, i love you all <3
most of my pictures arent with me, so lets just post some old photos. HEHE.
me and geoks!
chen chen painted at 12:36 AM
